Have you ever had so many emotions bottled up inside you feel like you will impode? I'm not good at sharing how I feel, and it's been so long since I have talked to anyone I trust that I feel so bottled up and ready to explode. But who to talk to? My roommates are great, but not best friends. my best friends have gone off on their own adventures and are busy with their new friends. My RA is sweet, but we don't really connect. My GGL is crazy busy, and cant keep up with all of us for one on one time. And I just havent made any best, close, share-your-deepest-darkest-secrets friends here- and I don't even know how. So back to my question- who do I talk to to relieve the pressure inside my heart? There is so much going on inside of me, but no one sees anything but a happy, easy going, quiet freshman French Ed. major. Who am I really? No one knows the real me. Even my best friends don't know how much I've always wanted to be something I can never be. No one knows how often I see couples and ache for a man to love me- or to just talk to me. No one knows how much I want to have friendships with more substance than a hi on the street, or an awkward phone call, or a few text messages. No one knows I love to be hugged, but feel awkward giving hugs. People don't know how much I agonize over what they say about me when I leave the room. No one knows that I facebook stalk people to learn what's going on in their lives, since they don't tell me themselves. No one sees the hurt in my eyes when they walk away to talk to someone more interesting.

My life feels like a huge lie, but I don't know who would even care about these things. I feel like a huge depression case, but I don't actually feel depressed. I just feel... something- Frustrated, unloved, unappreciated, selfish, juvenile, confused, friendless, worthless, unChristian, talentless, guilty. I sit in a room full of people, and yet, I am alone. Any Chrisitian reading this would tell me to give it to God and He loves me, and can take care of me and my problems. And while I believe that, but that doesnt make life easier- why do I still feel this way?

And now my struggle is posting this. Should I? How do I stop the crushing hurt when year after year goes by, and not a single guy even shows an interest in me? How do I stop feeling guilty for being upset and not wanting to wait for God? I just want to cry. but why cry if no one is there to console you?

Why do I have all this turmoil going on inside of me? why can't life just be easy and fun. why do I have to question everything and be pessimistic about everyone? why cant I trust people? Why do I suspect the worst in people?Why do I have such a shield around myself? Why do I want to be part of things but am unable to actually get involved? Why do people make me feel awkward? Why did Melissa not even bother to call me on my birthday? Why, in the entire month I was home for Christmas, did Kate never call or want to hang out? Why do I never call them? Why does it hurt so much? Why do I care so much? ??????



I just want someone who understands me... and truely cares- not the "aw, you're so pitiful" type consoling, but real, "I truely care about your hurts and want to listen to you" type.